Some friends and I were sitting around and talking about the pack rats we knew in our lives. Usually the people we were talking about were parents or siblings who loved to collect things. Our discussion revolved around the emotional investment that often went with this desire to collect and the issues it raised when it came time to disperse the items they had acquired.
One person in our group was not wired this way. She just did not collect things although she did have a couple of items that ‘came with a story’ that meant a great deal to her. I can relate, except on a slightly larger scale. I have a number of things that I have collected over the years. Nothing fancy, just some personal items that remind me of different events and people.
Some time ago I was having another conversation with a friend about a different kind of collecting. They were at a place in their life when it was time to transition out of an organization they had been a significant part of for a number of years. This person had collected many good memories, but the most recent ones had been less than positive. As we were talking about some of the things that were leaving a sour taste in my friend’s mouth, they made the comment, “that’s alright, I’ve moved on” a number of times. My sense was that this really was not the case and that my friend had not truly ‘moved on’. I questioned them about this and they agreed that perhaps they were still hanging on to some feelings that were getting in the way of them transitioning well. We talked a little more about how they might find a better way to leave. I am not sure to what degree, but I think they were able to overcome some of the hurts.
In my discussions with teams and team members about conflict I usually mention legacy events as potential barriers to having difficult but necessary conversations. A legacy event is something that has occurred in the past that still carries great weight or influence with the person, team, or organization in the present. This event could have happened a month ago or twenty years ago, but it colours every discussion that somehow connects with it. You can begin to recognize these events when someone starts saying something like, “Don’t go there, remember the last time we tried to talk about that?”, or, “remember ‘black Wednesday’?” and the group all nod knowingly.
We may or may not be conscious of the effect these events have on our current discussions, but it is often there. And when we are reminded of the event we sometimes use the same phrase my friend did; “that’s alright, I’ve moved on”. Unfortunately I am not convinced that is always the case. Sometimes when a significant legacy type event has occurred, those involved have processed the aftermath well and are able to deal with the subsequent discussions productively. They have genuinely moved on. However, more often than not the phrase means something more like, “I’ve moved geographical locations”, or “I’m not with that company anymore”, or “I choose to ignore that little piece of history” and the impact of the event lingers.
There are plenty of reasons why we take this path. It’s generally easier. Trying to go back and deal with a significant event can be extremely difficult – especially as time passes. Dealing with situations that have not gone well sooner rather than later is a good idea because the longer you wait the less clear the details and more entrenched the emotional responses become. And even if things are dealt with in a timely manner, it is still not an easy task. Never-the-less, your best teams find a way to do just that. When something happens that could really colour every other conversation that follows they find a way to deal with it as quickly as possible – not letting them become legacy events. And by doing this they remove a potentially significant barrier to future conversations.
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Pack Rats
One person in our group was not wired this way. She just did not collect things although she did have a couple of items that ‘came with a story’ that meant a great deal to her. I can relate, except on a slightly larger scale. I have a number of things that I have collected over the years. Nothing fancy, just some personal items that remind me of different events and people.
Some time ago I was having another conversation with a friend about a different kind of collecting. They were at a place in their life when it was time to transition out of an organization they had been a significant part of for a number of years. This person had collected many good memories, but the most recent ones had been less than positive. As we were talking about some of the things that were leaving a sour taste in my friend’s mouth, they made the comment, “that’s alright, I’ve moved on” a number of times. My sense was that this really was not the case and that my friend had not truly ‘moved on’. I questioned them about this and they agreed that perhaps they were still hanging on to some feelings that were getting in the way of them transitioning well. We talked a little more about how they might find a better way to leave. I am not sure to what degree, but I think they were able to overcome some of the hurts.
In my discussions with teams and team members about conflict I usually mention legacy events as potential barriers to having difficult but necessary conversations. A legacy event is something that has occurred in the past that still carries great weight or influence with the person, team, or organization in the present. This event could have happened a month ago or twenty years ago, but it colours every discussion that somehow connects with it. You can begin to recognize these events when someone starts saying something like, “Don’t go there, remember the last time we tried to talk about that?”, or, “remember ‘black Wednesday’?” and the group all nod knowingly.
We may or may not be conscious of the effect these events have on our current discussions, but it is often there. And when we are reminded of the event we sometimes use the same phrase my friend did; “that’s alright, I’ve moved on”. Unfortunately I am not convinced that is always the case. Sometimes when a significant legacy type event has occurred, those involved have processed the aftermath well and are able to deal with the subsequent discussions productively. They have genuinely moved on. However, more often than not the phrase means something more like, “I’ve moved geographical locations”, or “I’m not with that company anymore”, or “I choose to ignore that little piece of history” and the impact of the event lingers.
There are plenty of reasons why we take this path. It’s generally easier. Trying to go back and deal with a significant event can be extremely difficult – especially as time passes. Dealing with situations that have not gone well sooner rather than later is a good idea because the longer you wait the less clear the details and more entrenched the emotional responses become. And even if things are dealt with in a timely manner, it is still not an easy task. Never-the-less, your best teams find a way to do just that. When something happens that could really colour every other conversation that follows they find a way to deal with it as quickly as possible – not letting them become legacy events. And by doing this they remove a potentially significant barrier to future conversations.
This entry was posted on Thursday, May 23rd, 2013 at 11:41 am and is filed under Comments. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. Both comments and pings are currently closed.